reason #27 why i am no good in a crisis

the other weekend i was asked to call the police in the middle of an emergency and i took up the phone and was all “right, 911, got it” completely seriously

and the other person just loOKED AT ME

and i was like “oh fuck wait sorry that’s wrong”

*momentous pause before remembering the actual number*

and it really wasn’t the time to get this shit wrong and ohmygOD

too bad we’re not in america

you are not going to BELIEVE what happened in the first five minutes of my first shift today

i was changing into my uniform in the bathroom and i forgot that i’d tucked my nametag inside my shirt so it wouldn’t get lost in my bag

i was running late and trying to be as fast as possible so i WHIPPED my shirt out of my bag and my nametag FLUNG across the room and straight into the toilet bowl

the toilet bowl of a gross public bathroom in a gross fast food chain restaurant where people commonly vomit and/or shit themselves frequently

H O W

W H Y

and theN I HAD TO FISH IT OUT WITH MY OWN HANDS and just scrub my hand and the nametag raw for like 5 minutes it was the wORST

perfect start to my new job i think

omfG the other night i was eating and playing my DS at the same time and i stuck my stylus into my meringue because i thought i was holding my fork chrIST

That horrifying moment when you’re stalking this guy you know’s Twitter and you accidentally favourite a tweet. I don’t follow him, and he doesn’t know that I know about his Twitter. So it’s basically the equivalent of Facebook stalking someone and accidentally liking one of their photos from like 2009 or whatever.

I’m mortified. I’ve tried to destroy the evidence, but I don’t know how fast Twitter is with that shit. 

Sigh. Typical.

Edit: Twitter didn’t get rid of it. He’s now following me. I want to die.